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SCENE ONE OFFICE
SCENE OPENS WITH FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM.
BRIGGS: SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A TALK WITH HER.
MISS CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW.
MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER AND CARLY WALKS IN.
FRANKLIN: HAVE A SEAT.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND IN IT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL.
YES, I DID.
MISS PUNK!
FRANKLIN: MISS BRIGGS!
MISS IM CALM.
PRINCIPAL CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH
FRANKLIN BREAKS OUT LAUGHING.
MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE OF A RHINOCEROS?
WELL, I
PRINCIPAL RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
CARLY: NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER AND A WIDER SNOUT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT
CARLY: WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU REALLY TELL
CARLY AND PRINCIPAL START ARGUING.
MISS OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS.
MY FATHERS STATIONED IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW.
PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY.
MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE SOME IN CHARGE OF HER!
MY OLDER BROTHER, SPENCER.
MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST.
CARLY: HES A ARTIST!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT?
MISS (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR.
CARLY: YEAH, YOURE HOLDING THE ON SATURDAY.
BRIGGS: NO. YOU ARE!
CARLY:
MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE ENJOYING MY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME.
MISS BRIGGS GIVES A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT.
NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY!
MISS NOT ANYMORE.
AW, COME ON!
MISS BRIGGS: ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
RHINOCEROS.
MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT!
RIGHT.
CARLY GRABS HER AND LEAVES.

SCENE TWO MAIN
SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM A LOCKER.
LET ME GO!
SAM: SAY SORRY!
IM SORRY.
SAM: NOW ARE YOU SORRY FOR?
KID: FOR YOURE IGGRESIVE!
SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES.
SAM: AND WHAT AM I
KID: AND SWEET.
SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE TIME
CARLY BY PULLING SAMS HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER.
OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!
(ANGRY) HI!
SAM: DID YOU GET IN
CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE FOR YOU!
SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME.
(IN A SWEET VOICE) WELL HERES AN IDEA.
SAM:
CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) DOING BAD THINGS!
CARLY WALKS TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS.
HEY, CHILL-AX!
CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW.
NO WAY, GROSS.
CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS PUNISHMENT TOO!
ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD.
SAM: WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY FRIEND!
CARLY: GOOD TO KNOW. WHY ARE YOU MINE?
CARLY INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN.
BECAUSE IM A LOVEABLE PERSON!

SCENE THREE CARLYS
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE.
FREDDIE: YOU THIS!
CARLY TAKES THE BOTTLE.
UH, THANKS. BUT YOU
FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY!
CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME?
(LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO!
FREDDIE.
YES.
CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET THIS CRUSH THING.
FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM COOL LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN.
OH GOD.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER DOOR AND THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND.
FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS.
CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS.
PULLS OUT HIS PHONE.
FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS.
CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE.
YOU CAN HAVE IT!
CARLY OPENS HER AND RUNS INSIDE.
IM HOME.
HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE.
CARLY UP AT THE CEILING.
SPENCER: IM TAKING SOME PICS OF MY SCULPTURE. SMILE!
SPENCER POINTS CAMERA AT AND TAKES A PICTURE.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD.
SPENCER: SAYING IM ABNORMAL?
CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE YOU HURT YOURSELF!
NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED AROUND THIS PIPE
SPENCER FALLS ON THE AND SCREAMS.
CARLY: I CANT BELIEVE YOURE IN OF ME.
SPENCER: PLEASE HELP ME UP.
HELPS SPENCER UP.
CARLY: ARE YOU
SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC.
SPENCER FALLS ON HIS LEFT AND GETS BACK UP.
YEP! THAT FIXED HER.
CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR.
SHOOT.
CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY.
FUN!
CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA.
I WOULD
AWESOME!
THOUGH, I CANT.
CARLY: WHY
SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL.
SPENCER: I MADE IT A SQUIRREL.

SCENE FOUR 1 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE.
CARLY: I YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD!
CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP.
MORNING, CARLY.
SEE YA IN A SEC.
CARLY UP.
FREDDIE!
FREDDIE: DO YOU THINK OF MY EQUIPMENT?
CARLY: I JUST ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. IS ALL THIS?
FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE!
FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR.
HEY, YOU INVITED THE DOOF!
SAM!
FREDDIE PUTS ON TABLE.
FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW WAS GONNA BE HERE!
SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL.
BARELY.
OOOHHH!
FREDDIE: YOU JUST YOUR HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT.
SO YOU MEAN I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER?
FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA!
SAM WALKS OVER TO FREDDIE AND HER THROAT.
CARLY WILL NEVER LOVE YOU
FREDDIE: OKAY. THATS IT. IM MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME.
PICKS UP HIS CAMERA.
CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) STAY!
PUTS HIS CAMERA DOWN.
OKAY.
SCENE FOUR 2 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE.
CARLY: HEY, JEB. READY TO
JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH CALLED LE U E MAPHEME.
SAM:
CARLY: WE DONT WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING?
TURNS ON HIS CAMERA.
ROLLING.
JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO?
JEB PUTS A ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
JEB: WILL SHE BE BACK?
JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON.
JEB: I KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS OFF.
WELL WHERE CAN I FIND HER?
JEB PUTS HIS ON.
JEB: I YOU, I DO NOT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE OFFSTAGE.
WHAT YA THINK?
CARLY: I KNOW!
SAM: YOU DONT
CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW!
SAM: BUT YOU KNOW!
CARLY: HOW CAN I KNOW IF I DO NOT
SAM: I KNOW.
SCENE PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM.
SCENE WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP.
SCENE FOUR PART 4 ROOM
SCENE WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED.
SCENE FOUR 5 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED.
I WILL BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET.
COOL.
NICE.
TARAN: WHILE HOPPING ON POGO-STICK.
TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP.
NICE!
CARLY: NOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT!
SAM: AND BLOW-HO!
SCENE FOUR 6 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE.
THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA!
CARLY AND SAM START WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE.
THANKS!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING.
SAM: NOT FUNNY.
NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
SAM WALKS OVER TO THE AND CARLY STANDS UP.
SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS!
CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT HE DOESNT MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS TO CARLY.
SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH
CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS SHE STUFFS WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA!
SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS!
CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) PEOPLE TO SEE.
SAM: OOH!
CARLY: CALM DOWN. IT GET WORSE.
FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH KID HORRIBLY.
AND I WAS WRONG.
SCENE FIVE CARLYS APARTMENT AT
SCENE WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP.
CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, WAKE UP!
CARLY HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
CARLY: LATE. WHENS YOURE MOM TO PICK YOU UP?
SAM: NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT.
CARLY: I DIDNT YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT!
SAM: WELL YOU CUZ IM NOT LEAVING.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO THE AND STARTS TYPING.
WHATCHA DOIN?
CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE.
SAM: I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE ME A DEMON?
(YELLING) NO!
SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW CHICKEN IN HER
SHUT UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS!
SAM WALKS TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: WHAT? FREDDIE DIDNT THE AUDIOTIONS?
NO. HE UPLOADED US!
SAM:
LOOK!
SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS.
THATS US!
CARLY: IS!
SAM: FREDDIE SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY!
LOOKS SCARED.
CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER POINTY BOOBS!
SAM: WHOA! IF SHE SEES
CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE.
OKAY, CHILL-AX.
SAM AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE CLICKED ON IT.
OH. OKAY, GOOD.
CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
CARLY:
SAM:
CARLY: (YELLING) 27,000!
SAM OUT OF CHAIR.