SCENE ONE OFFICE SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM. MISS SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A LITTLE TALK HER. MISS BRIGGS: CARLY, GET IN HERE. NOW. MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER AND CARLY WALKS IN. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: A SEAT. CARLY WALKS OVER TO A IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT. FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. YES, I DID. MISS PUNK! FRANKLIN: MISS BRIGGS! MISS IM CALM. PRINCIPAL CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN OUT LAUGHING. BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS? WELL, I PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS. NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS? CARLY: WELL, IF YOU THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL CARLY AND FRANKLIN START ARGUING. MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO THIS. CARLY: MY STATIONED IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW. FRANKLIN: HES IN THE MILITARY. MISS WELL THERE MUST BE SOME ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER! MY OLDER BROTHER, SPENCER. MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST. HES A GREAT ARTIST! PRINCIPAL OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT? MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE SHOW THIS YEAR. YEAH, YOURE HOLDING THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY. MISS NO. YOU ARE! CARLY: MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME. BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT. CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE PLAY LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY! MISS NOT ANYMORE. AW, COME ON! MISS BRIGGS: ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME A HIPPOPOTAMUS. RHINOCEROS. MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT! RIGHT. CARLY GRABS HER AND LEAVES.
TWO MAIN HALLWAY SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM A LOCKER. LET ME GO! SAM: SAY SORRY! IM SORRY. SAM: NOW ARE YOU SORRY FOR? FOR SAYING YOURE IGGRESIVE! SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES. SAM: AND WHAT AM I PRETTY AND SWEET. SAM: YOU. NOW THE NEXT TIME CARLY INTERUPTS BY SAMS HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER. OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR! (ANGRY) HI! SAM: DID YOU GET IN CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU! SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME. CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) HERES AN IDEA. WHAT? CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) DOING BAD THINGS! CARLY OVER TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS. HEY, CHILL-AX! CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW. NO WAY, GROSS. CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS PUNISHMENT TOO! ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV. CARLY: YOU KNOW, BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD. SAM: IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND! CARLY: GOOD TO KNOW. WHY ARE YOU MINE? CARLY WALKS A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN. SAM: BECAUSE IM A PERSON!
SCENE THREE CARLYS SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE. YOU DROPPED THIS! CARLY TAKES THE BOTTLE. UH, THANKS. BUT YOU FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY! CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME? (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO! FREDDIE. YES. CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT GOTTA GET OVER THIS CRUSH THING. FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN. OH GOD. CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND. FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE AUDITIONS. CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS. PULLS OUT HIS PHONE. FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, YOU MY DIGITS. HEY, YOU GOT A NEW CELL PHONE. FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT! CARLY HER DOOR AND RUNS INSIDE. IM HOME. HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE. CARLY UP AT THE CEILING. SPENCER: IM TAKING PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE! SPENCER POINTS CAMERA AT AND TAKES A PICTURE. CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD. SPENCER: YOURE IM ABNORMAL? CARLY: DO I TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF! NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED AROUND THIS PIPE SPENCER FALLS ON THE AND SCREAMS. CARLY: I CANT BELIEVE YOURE IN OF ME. SPENCER: PLEASE HELP ME UP. CARLY SPENCER UP. ARE YOU ALRIGHT? SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY AGAIN. ONE SEC. SPENCER FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND BACK UP. YEP! THAT FIXED HER. CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR. SHOOT. CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY. FUN! CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. I WOULD AWESOME! THOUGH, I CANT. CARLY: WHY SPENCER STARTS AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL. SPENCER: I IT INTO A SQUIRREL.
SCENE PART 1 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE WITH CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE. CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD! CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND SET UP. MORNING, CARLY. SEE YA IN A SEC. CARLY UP. FREDDIE! FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU OF MY EQUIPMENT? CARLY: I JUST ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. IS ALL THIS? FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE! BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR. SAM: HEY, YOU THE DOOF! SAM! FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE. FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I KNOW THAT WAS GONNA BE HERE! SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL. BARELY. OOOHHH! FREDDIE: YOU JUST YOUR HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT. SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CANT THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER? FREDDIE: OH, SURE. ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA! SAM WALKS OVER TO AND CLEARS HER THROAT. SAM: WILL NEVER LOVE YOU OKAY. THATS IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME. FREDDIE UP HIS CAMERA. CARLY: (IN A VOICE) PLEASE STAY! FREDDIE PUTS HIS DOWN. OKAY. SCENE FOUR PART 2 ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE AUDITION ONSTAGE. HEY, JEB. READY TO AUDITION? JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH CALLED LE U E MAPHEME. SAM: CARLY: WE DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING? FREDDIE ON HIS CAMERA. ROLLING. JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO? JEB A MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. JEB: WHEN SHE BE BACK? JEB PUTS HIS ON. I DONT KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I HER? JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I YOU, I DO NOT KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE. SAM: WHAT YA CARLY: I KNOW! YOU DONT KNOW? CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW! BUT YOU MUST KNOW! CARLY: HOW CAN I IF I DO NOT KNOW? I DONT KNOW. SCENE FOUR PART 3 ROOM. SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT IS ASLEEP. SCENE PART 4 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED. SCENE FOUR 5 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED. I WILL BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET. COOL. NICE. TARAN: WHILE HOPPING ON POGO-STICK. TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP. NICE! CARLY: NOW THATS IM TALKING ABOUT! SAM: AND BLOW-HO! SCENE FOUR PART 6 AUDITIONS SCENE OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE. KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA! CARLY AND SAM START LAUGHING KID WALKS OFFSTAGE. THANKS! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING. THATS NOT FUNNY. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. SAM WALKS OVER TO THE STAGE AND STANDS UP. SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS MISS BRIGGS! CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! POINTS CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY. SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP THOSE? CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE STUFFS WAFFLE IN HER BRA! SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS! CARLY: OKAY. ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE. SAM: OOH! CARLY: CALM DOWN. IT GET WORSE. SCENE FOUR 5 AUDITIONS ROOM OPENS WITH KID RAPPING HORRIBLY. AND I WAS WRONG. SCENE FIVE CARLYS APARTMENT AT SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP. CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, WAKE UP! CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM UP AND YAWNS. SAM: TIME IS IT? CARLY: LATE. WHENS YOURE MOM COMING TO YOU UP? SAM: NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT. CARLY: I DIDNT INVITE YOU TO THE NIGHT! WELL YOU SHOULD CUZ IM NOT LEAVING. CARLY WALKS TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING. SAM: DOIN? CARLY: IM TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE. SAM: I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A (YELLING) NO! SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW IN HER PURSE CARLY: SHUT UP AND COME AT THIS! SAM WALKS TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: FREDDIE DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS? NO. HE UPLOADED US! SAM: LOOK! SAM A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS. SAM: US! SURE IS! SAM: FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY! LOOKS SCARED. CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY BOOBS! WHOA! IF SHE SEES THAT CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE. OKAY, CHILL-AX. SAM AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 HAVE CLICKED ON IT. OH. OKAY, GOOD. CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. CARLY: YEAH? CARLY: (YELLING) 27,000! SAM OUT OF CHAIR.